Gosh Dad,

I hate your daughter.  I always have.  I know that you guys went to the philippines because you felt like she was using you too much.  Not much has changed she has only found other people to rely on.  She got mad at me this morning because she claimed that I was leaving too much of a mess in the kitchen.  I wash a lot more dishes than I leave behind.  I leave most of my dishes in my room.  So most of the dishes she blames me for are not my dishes in the first place.  Most of my mess is in my room and the bathroom.  She likes to blame these things on me so that I end up doing more work that she doesn’t want to do like cleaning the kitchen.  I do a lot more of their laundry than she does.  I stopped.  I have been spending more on groceries than she does.  My grocery bills from Costco are $500 plus and hers are $200.  I am never home and it doesn’t make sense for her to blame all of this on me when I am one person compared to 5 of them.  Nothing has changed, the only good thing about her is Ernie.  Ernie is the only thing that has made me start to like her again but the Ria that I know is still there.  I can’t wait to graduate and leave.

I hope all is well I just had to vent

Love 

Ryan 

I remember when Jamel would critique the way I worked.  Judged me on the things I bi-passed.  Corrected me on the things I overlooked.  As much as I let all of that get to me I must realize how hard I truly work.  I must remember how I make it a point to make everyone smile.  I must remember how much I struggle to get things done.  I know I work hard, because it’s one of the few things I know I can do well.  

I can’t sleep.  Was it my fault?  Did I rush you into everything too quickly?  Was I really being paranoid or were these feelings that would have come up eventually?  I rushed you through things.  I was being insensitive and for that I am sorry.  Shouldn’t I have known better - dating a bisexual man who has never dated another man?  Joshua you are amazing but young in the sense that this is all new to you.  I know I must just try to move on because it is what you want.  I know that although I will be open to the possibility of trying to make it work again, I have yet to run into a situation to where it does.  

another failed attempt at love but another amazing person passing through my life - 

As I sit here waiting to be checked on, the weight of my loneliness is felt.  Remembering my recent break up and realizing the reality of my solitude as families rush into the clinic for support.  I struggle to fight back tears as the hopelessness of my life seems more apparent.  I hate life.  I loathe the thoughts of dating again as it took me so long to find someone so close to being the one.  It’s heartbreaking and discouraging to try to be hopeful.  The only way to find my sanity is to take care of myself.  Finding things that will make me happy.  Struggling to appear normal.

life is ironic-

I am always attesting to my constant attempts at love.  Admitting to the many failures and dead ends.  At many times succumbing to the hopelessness and futility of it all.  Turning to lust to be the answer to the void.  Losing the energy to be anything more than what is already there.  And Ironically being turned down constantly based on the many things that love as turned me into.  

Life likes to wind me up like a toy only to slam me right into the wall … 

fate is cruel - after all this time life seems to always get the best of me- i never thought i could continually feel so much pain after so many years.  i always feel like life owes me for always being the punching bag.  i know i am worth much more then all the pain it forces me to endure.  i always wonder and hope that there is something more around the corner.  i gave up trying a long time ago to be more than what is readily available.  hoping to avoid disappointment and heartache.  And yet it still finds me.  i live life trying to find the things that make me happy since the specs of happiness are all i can muster.  i am a whore because it brings me some kind of sense of relationship without the involvement of feelings.  i am trying to look better because it makes me believe that maybe i am actually worth what i believe i am.  i help others because i cant think of anything better i can do with my life.  i go through life going through the motions, the very motions that dont stop me from drowning.

always a favorite of mine =)